[Not just someone, Zenyatta wanted to say, so many of them believed he could be more than a mask and a deathwish. But that was an old song, and one which did not bear repeating now when they both knew the words so very well.
Possibly it was not a good idea, given that he still did not entirely trust the unexpected development that had been his heart. Yet it felt wrong to leave Gabriel adrift, brushing almost compulsively back through his air with that pensive look in his eyes.]
I have some idea, yes. [Distance, hurt, a confession made too late. As if in quiet mourning for the Gabriel Reyes who'd taken a risk too far he gently took the man's hand from his hair and sandwiched it between both of his own.] But... you healed. You loved and were loved again.
[Zenyatta's voice is just on the edge of a question. He would like to sound like an authority, like he is not a total newcomer to his own feelings, but it does not stick.]
[It was one of those things, willing as he was to destroy himself for what he felt had to be done,to keep hold of a concept that he was more than that. Or that anyone believed it no matter what he knew; how easy it would be to forget that the moment he was back home. Like none of this ever happened and whatever hope had sparked back would be
gone.
Maybe it would sticker easier one day, but that feeling. The determination he had to be nothing more than what choices he'd made when his hand was forced- Here was different.]
Yeah. [Something had healed there and had remained, all the same it had him analyzing what he'd done wrong. Then he ended up having his focus shifted and honed for war; an experiment and a global war—] Even when there was no room for love, came in some other form.
[Zenyatta waited- and then his hands slid away from Gabriel's as if they were little more than shadows on its surface, until they gathered in his lap. Where did he disappear to when they spoke openly like this? Some distant past otherwise impenetrable to his insights, faces and voices he could not hope to recognise.
It was, he knew, wrong to feel hurt by that distance when so much had been shared with him already, yet for a moment his own silence opened like a great, dark gulf between them. Shadows licked uncertainly along his kneeling form.
And dissipated. He sighed.]
There is so much more to life than "romantic" love. [Said wistfully, but he meant it.]
[Fingers curled and twitched, some small squeeze to metal hands offered before they slipped away from his. Let them go with no resistance other than some little motion that he hadn't ignored them being taken.
Gabriel inhaled slowly, and exhaled the same as smoke still curled from between his lips in some silent sort of sight-]
There are so many different forms of love. [And yes, so much more to life-] I dedicated my life to my job, to what I was doing. Put my everything into it, because it was something that needed to be done- before and after the Crisis.
I loved my friends fiercely, gave my all to those who followed me. They were all family by bond, even if they didn't see it that way. [Blackwatch was not Overwatch, much as he tried to do for his people. For the world.] I've lost a lot, and even then I still do what I feel has to be done.
You are my friend, Zenyatta; like I said, I love them, even if it's another form of love.
[Zenyatta's jieba flickered like light refracted across a pool. Different forms of different loves. Yes. Had he not understood that, he wondered, or simply forgotten his own feelings?
He loved Mondatta. He loved all of his brothers and sisters, he loved Genji. Those feelings were not the same as those he had devoted to Gabriel, but they were no less intense, no less meaningful, and looking back now he could not help but feel a stab of guilt at his own short-sightedness. Non-literal this time.]
I- I know. [Somehow it sounded like a confession in itself. He paused.] I know that you care for me. I have never doubted that.
[Context, though. It made all the difference.]
... I suppose I have been idealising a certain type of love. It was-- foolish of me. But it is only in our darkest moments that we truly understand the value of the light. [He glanced sideways at the man beside him, and those nine faint lights flickered only once more before they held strong.] Thank you for being my friend.
I am sorry it's not in the way you wanted, Zen. It can be easy to get lost when it comes to thoughts of love. [And can hurt when you put yourself out to after worrying. Afraid of not being enough because of so many reasons that could be thought of.
His gaze had finally lifted back to the omnic, some small vine curling from the floor where Gabriel had rested a hand. It curling between fingers with small closed flower buds along it-]
You're not the first, or the last, who will likely do such a thing. It's part of being alive. [He did consider omnics alive, as beings, despite what happened during the Crisis. They may not be human, but they were there and could feel, right?] I'm.. very fucking glad you gave me a chance. You had no reason to, and I didn't expect a damn thing.
Ah- [Zenyatta flustered briefly, jieba fluttering-] no, you must not apologise for your feelings. [of lack of them, some treacherous part of him added, and if he ever doubted he had a heart it made its presence known with a lurch] I would never ask that of you.
[And Gabriel was right, of course. A thousand and one faults had arisen in that moment to remind him of his faults, his insecurities- is it because I am an omnic, he'd nearly asked, but it had seemed so shamefully unfair that he'd swallowed it back.]
... "part of being alive"... [He sounded soft and wan, a dreamy twilight of a voice, before, faintly, he laughed.] I... suppose it is.
[Like second chances. Like hope. Like friendship.
And before he could quite stop himself Zenyatta found himself sinking sideways, little by little, until his head met the warm shelf of Gabriel's shoulder.]
[A small shrug of shoulders-] All the same, you know.
[That he couldn't offer more than what was already being given, that much more that was wanted but- It was all he could give then and there. Still finding himself and adjusting.
Would have to be enough.]
Would say you're every bit alive as I am, but my state of living is questionable at best. [Both a bit of a joke at himself and implying that he at least felt the omnic was more than that. Even after fighting omnics in the crisis he still felt it.
Voice soft all the while and going still for a moment before he relaxed there at the weight on his shoulder.]
Yeah, long as you want. [Gabriel had always been a little more physical when it came to even platonic affection.
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no subject
Possibly it was not a good idea, given that he still did not entirely trust the unexpected development that had been his heart. Yet it felt wrong to leave Gabriel adrift, brushing almost compulsively back through his air with that pensive look in his eyes.]
I have some idea, yes. [Distance, hurt, a confession made too late. As if in quiet mourning for the Gabriel Reyes who'd taken a risk too far he gently took the man's hand from his hair and sandwiched it between both of his own.] But... you healed. You loved and were loved again.
[Zenyatta's voice is just on the edge of a question. He would like to sound like an authority, like he is not a total newcomer to his own feelings, but it does not stick.]
no subject
gone.
Maybe it would sticker easier one day, but that feeling. The determination he had to be nothing more than what choices he'd made when his hand was forced- Here was different.]
Yeah. [Something had healed there and had remained, all the same it had him analyzing what he'd done wrong. Then he ended up having his focus shifted and honed for war; an experiment and a global war—] Even when there was no room for love, came in some other form.
[Old and tired.]
no subject
It was, he knew, wrong to feel hurt by that distance when so much had been shared with him already, yet for a moment his own silence opened like a great, dark gulf between them. Shadows licked uncertainly along his kneeling form.
And dissipated. He sighed.]
There is so much more to life than "romantic" love. [Said wistfully, but he meant it.]
no subject
Gabriel inhaled slowly, and exhaled the same as smoke still curled from between his lips in some silent sort of sight-]
There are so many different forms of love. [And yes, so much more to life-] I dedicated my life to my job, to what I was doing. Put my everything into it, because it was something that needed to be done- before and after the Crisis.
I loved my friends fiercely, gave my all to those who followed me. They were all family by bond, even if they didn't see it that way. [Blackwatch was not Overwatch, much as he tried to do for his people. For the world.] I've lost a lot, and even then I still do what I feel has to be done.
You are my friend, Zenyatta; like I said, I love them, even if it's another form of love.
no subject
He loved Mondatta. He loved all of his brothers and sisters, he loved Genji. Those feelings were not the same as those he had devoted to Gabriel, but they were no less intense, no less meaningful, and looking back now he could not help but feel a stab of guilt at his own short-sightedness. Non-literal this time.]
I- I know. [Somehow it sounded like a confession in itself. He paused.] I know that you care for me. I have never doubted that.
[Context, though. It made all the difference.]
... I suppose I have been idealising a certain type of love. It was-- foolish of me. But it is only in our darkest moments that we truly understand the value of the light. [He glanced sideways at the man beside him, and those nine faint lights flickered only once more before they held strong.] Thank you for being my friend.
no subject
His gaze had finally lifted back to the omnic, some small vine curling from the floor where Gabriel had rested a hand. It curling between fingers with small closed flower buds along it-]
You're not the first, or the last, who will likely do such a thing. It's part of being alive. [He did consider omnics alive, as beings, despite what happened during the Crisis. They may not be human, but they were there and could feel, right?] I'm.. very fucking glad you gave me a chance. You had no reason to, and I didn't expect a damn thing.
Hell, you're the first close friend I made here.
no subject
[And Gabriel was right, of course. A thousand and one faults had arisen in that moment to remind him of his faults, his insecurities- is it because I am an omnic, he'd nearly asked, but it had seemed so shamefully unfair that he'd swallowed it back.]
... "part of being alive"... [He sounded soft and wan, a dreamy twilight of a voice, before, faintly, he laughed.] I... suppose it is.
[Like second chances. Like hope. Like friendship.
And before he could quite stop himself Zenyatta found himself sinking sideways, little by little, until his head met the warm shelf of Gabriel's shoulder.]
[quietly:] May I? For-- a moment?
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[That he couldn't offer more than what was already being given, that much more that was wanted but- It was all he could give then and there. Still finding himself and adjusting.
Would have to be enough.]
Would say you're every bit alive as I am, but my state of living is questionable at best. [Both a bit of a joke at himself and implying that he at least felt the omnic was more than that. Even after fighting omnics in the crisis he still felt it.
Voice soft all the while and going still for a moment before he relaxed there at the weight on his shoulder.]
Yeah, long as you want. [Gabriel had always been a little more physical when it came to even platonic affection.
This counted if you asked him.]