[Gabriel had never given Zenyatta reason to doubt his competence; now he was proving himself regardless, snapping to action with a calm care that belied the nervous energy he could feel thrumming through his body like an electrical current.
The little shape of the kitten disappeared into the towel beneath a series of vigorous rubs. For a moment Zenyatta sensed nothing but residual heat.]
Gabriel- [a hand reaching for his shoulder, hovering, and then- then it faltered. His voice softened: what he sounded was wondering, as if he were looking upon the night sky.] ... it is breathing. Can you feel it?
[Only then did he finally make contact. Some tense part of his processor leapt and twisted his core- but his attention was elsewhere.]
How wonderful...! [He exhaled softly- needlessly- then turned his attention back to the queen squirming before them.] Well done, my beautiful girl. You are doing so well.
[Some help needed to adjust to a world full of air, to get lungs moving and some sharp but small mewl sounding with it. Signs of life, no matter how small. Stimulate the intake of air, breathe, and of course once it started it- well, there was still more to come so there was no complete relief, but this was only the first.
Gabriel moved the towel just so the kitten could be seen. Breathing. Wiggling, perhaps having a little more energy than the mother with all she had to do.]
Look at that- [Even his voice was a little ore energetic, no matter how soft.] Looks like this one will be just fine.
[More to go, but it was a good start.
And Gabriel would repeat with the next - and Zenyatta was allowed as well when he felt he could take up a newborn kitten to help welcome it into this world and breathe. Of course Gabriel thought it was over once four were reached but- she wasn't done. Four were the norm, considering the size of the four he and Zenyatta had helped with but-
The next two were smaller, and Gabriel was careful when he got one up and starting to clean, trying to get it to breathe and mewl. The others settled with an exhausted mother, but at least she could hopefully rest then, dealing with two smaller kittens-]
No wonder she's so lean. [Not abnormal to have more than four, but it was... obviously tough on the mother, even if she'd been in better condition when he'd found her.]
[There was light in Gabriel's voice, and it refracted across the soft glow of Zenyatta's orbs like raindrops rippling across a pool of water, shimmered in after-images in the air. Just fine. It was, he realised, more than either of them could have hoped, and as Gabe settled the first kitten down to nurse relief flooded his systems like a shot from a needle.]
Excellent! [His voice filled out in a rich, polyphonic smile. All the better for the mother, whose energy seemed entirely dependent now on the golden orb warming her flank.
One became two, two three, three four- but there was life still within her, and when the final pair emerged even Zenyatta had to marvel at what had to have been a monumental effort.]
By the Iris! How on earth did you walk, young lady? [One golden hand stroked its way through the mats of her ears; his two real hands were occupied by one very tiny kitten, its nose twitching through a gap in the towel. He glanced at Gabriel.] Do you suppose there is room for them to feed? They will have to fight for a place.
[Half the relief was that there were no more after the sixth kitten, both of them much smaller than their siblings and- it wasn't surprising, really. Still, for their size they seemed strong, but even he worried if there'd been anymore the mother might not have had the energy to survive. Even with help of someone who could provide what Zenyatta could.
It was also a marvel all of it's own,that she survived and made damn sure the kittens did as well while unable to get enough for herself and them.
It couldn't hurt to get her some food and water while the other's ate—]
I have an idea. Do you mind..? [He was holding the other small kitten up i his own hands to be taken. Once taken Gabriel was quick to move once more, into the kitchen.
There was a bit of noise as he hunted down a few things, but he returned with two different small plates and a bowl of clean water; two of those were set well within reach of the mother cat while he carefully set down a saucer wit milk and a.. sponge. A sponge that had already soaked in a good bit of milk.]
This might be able to do for now, and maybe after the others are done.. [The two smaller ones could still feed from their mother if still hungry. He'd... have to look into better solutions to this later, but right now it was what he could do.]
[With hands as large and sprawling as Zenyatta's two kittens hardly posed a challenge for Zenyatta, particularly while they could do little more than squirm, and he cocked his head up in a curious tilt as Gabriel slipped past. He'd been thinking of calves and bottles with rubber teats, nothing practical for two tiny mewling mouths. Presumably Gabriel had a more sensible solution.
Which was to say that he had not been expecting to see a sponge settled onto the floor along with the water.]
Ah! I see! They can suck on it, correct? [He set the pair down with the utmost care- then, after a moment of thought, he gently tugged the orb of harmony away from their mother and to the sponge for a few moments.] Some warmth could not go amiss.
[A pause.] They will be alright? [Strange, to think that he was the one seeking reassurance now.]
[An unused sponge or bit of soft cloth was all Gabriel could think of, since he wasn't sure bread would be good to use for newborns. Sure, maybe it could be used for pups and kittens once they were weaned to help them move onto more solid foods but this was- He hoped the tiny little sharp teeth weren't enough to get bits of material off while trying to drink.
Even tested it the best he could to try and assure it would be difficult for them.
Let out a breath once they did start to go after the milk -even if getting paws into it at the same time- and were suckling at the soft material.] Yeah, and if this is going to be a continued issue I'll have to try and find a more long term fix.
[Finally, finally, sitting on the floor again rather than looking as if he was about to just run off again.]
Going to have to watch them for a little while, but they should be. So long as these two eventually get something from her and she eats- Yeah.
[The focus drawn tight across Gabriel's brow stood well enough as testament to the care he'd put into this already, the thought- it came as a relief to see some of that tension escape from his body as he settled down once more, even if he did not seem altogether calm.
But it was a good plan. He sat silently for a moment or two, watching the tiny, squirming little things latch on to the sponge- trying to ignore the impulse to take Gabriel's hand, damned by his ignorance as to its motivation- feeling what might even have been called maternal.]
They will have their chance. If not, I will do what I can to keep them well-nourished- in time, I am sure they will be as strong as their siblings. [His optic sensors slid sideways, catching on the strong, stern planes of the man's face, the way the ambiguity of their shadows softened them. His eyes.
Zenyatta's hand froze inches from his cheek- then withdrew, and folded itself awkwardly in his lap instead.] ... you should rest. I can monitor them.
Size certainly won't dictate their strength after a while, but for now they'll be easily pushed away because of it. [He believed they would grow to be just as strong as their siblings, but for now it was just how it was.
Maybe he did finally release a bit of tension that was keeping him held together, smoke curling as a hand moved over his face; had cleaned up in the kitchen before handling anything and just- shoulders sagged. Really, he had no idea she was this far along, and that was likely due to how malnourished she was with trying to support those kittens within her.
Now they could all get a break-]
... Thank you, for coming over so quickly. [His tone was apologetic, pinching the bridge of his nose.] Really, I appreciate it. Probably the last place you want to be right now.
[A small, pensive nod. Under any other circumstances he supposed that was the natural order of things, the weak giving way to the strong for the propagation of new life in years to come... but then, Zenyatta supposed, he had always been a meddler.
Gabriel's hand slid down his face, as if wiping away the stern focus it had clung to so efficiently for all this time, spring smoky leaks that dissipated almost beneath his notice. Not relaxed, exactly, but relieved.
The feeling could not be appreciated for long before Gabriel found another way to bring him up short, though not quite so short as he might have expected.]
Ah- [Before he could fully regulate himself his vents released a small puff of hot air, a rush of embarrassment that had their mother-cat, no matter how tired, pricking up her ears.
He shifted on the spot.]
I-- I would not say that. [His voice stumbled uncharacteristically over the words before he pulled it back.] I chose to be here for you because you are my friend, Gabriel, if nothing more. I have always wanted that.
[If Gabriel were different he would have simply left the cat to fend for itself- wouldn't have as many animals around the farmhouse as he did now, for that matter. Wouldn't have reached out and wanted to give them something more than continuing to exist for however much longer in their states.
Let the two runts have as much a fighting chance as possible, along with their other.
And of course he leaned over, smoothing a hand carefully over her head. Would need to come up with a name for her at least, figure out what to do about so many kittens- would keep them all if there was no other way then—
There was a sound, a laugh that wasn't a laugh and more some noise than had no other way of getting out. No bit of joy or finding anything funny. A pressure being released.] Your friendship is something I've come to treasure more than anything, Zen. I can't say I've ever had many or- well.
[Hands moved up, fingers curled into his own hair. Been growing out again, just long enough for curls.]
I'd rather give you time and space than pity. Isn't as if I've never been turned down.
[If Gabriel were different, Zenyatta would not have been here now, kneeling on his floor while his chest throbbed with a strange, quiet tumult of contradictory emotions, their ache made all the sweeter by the sound of that laugh. Not amused. Not apologetic. To think that in the beginning he had found Gabriel difficult to read is incredible.
Something to treasure. He looked at Gabriel, and wanted to comb his fingers through those half-curls. He also knew how precious the thread that runs between them was, and how tenuous.]
Your men adored you. [Genji still did.] It is easy to see why.
[It is easy to see now, he clarified silently, and knew he did not need to say it. A pause.]
I cannot imagine why anyone would turn you down. [then, wryly:] Gabriel Reyes, that is. Reaper is another matter.
Some just needed to see they could be more than what had been handed to them. [Blackwatch was many things- but it wasn't what Overwatch had once been. A sister group that did what had to be done and bypassed all the red tape to do it, unchecked because no one could know they existed or what they did.
Did what had to be done, what needed to be done-] Someone to have faith in them.
[Even if some of that faith, trust, had been misplaced.]
Never been great at expressing myself, even before I joined the army. At least not in obvious ways- [At least not in obvious ways for most people. Of course he hadn't been a hardass when he was younger, but he'd never been obviously soft either.] Always been more... Subtle? Something.
[Zenyatta nodded. Wondered how much they had truly differed in that respect, in looking at an individual and seeing more than hard eyes and, within them, the distasteful shadows of a past that will not be forgotten.
Neither of them wish to forget.]
Yes. [He lifts his own optic sensors and braces himself for the impact of Gabriel's when they finally meet: a light ringed in darkness, like the halo about a full moon. Something clenched inside. Then it was gone.] Like the faith I have in you, Gabriel.
[The faith he had still in the man before him, no matter what.
He paused, then managed to hum in something like fond amusement. A dark, distant young man came to mind, hood pulled up around an oblique and vaguely challenging expression. Tall for his age, Zenyatta decided, and found that the embellishment pleased him.]
For what it is worth, now that we are closer, I rarely have any trouble understanding you. [Until that moment, he adds silently, though the faintest uptick in temperature might betray him.] I will concede that you are not an open book. But that is a part of you I would not think to change.
[Shimada was more than a family name and business, and more than some playboy brat playing off of it all that most likely saw him as. McCree was more than what Deadlock made him, some low life criminal who would only die or live the rest of his life rotting away. Both had their own reason and right to be angry at their situations, what was done to them- and the betrayal that one had been dealt by his own brother.
Even if it had taken so much more for them both to see that, even if one had left still more broken he'd gotten the help he'd needed. There was a special kind of strength it took to pull out of it all, and having a hand didn't mean another weakness.
Blackwatch did what had to be done, needed to be done, red-tape and all be damned. It was still doing good, even if some viewed them, once it was out there, as no better than the people they went after.
What was he now?] At least someone does.
[Hell if he didn't know what lines he had crossed, what he'd let himself become because he felt he had to- but that wasn't-
Gabriel's tone was light, almost quiet. Sorting things in a spot for later mentally. Not the time.
Fingers ran back through short curls again, for lack of his beanie to curl fingers into and adjust.]
I have a tendency to withdraw emotionally and physically if I run into some problem until I can understand it. Work out how to deal with it- it got worse during and after the Crisis of course. [But it was still how he dealt with things when he was younger, and there was a small gesture with the words.] They took my doing that the wrong way, and hell I don't blame them.
[Not just someone, Zenyatta wanted to say, so many of them believed he could be more than a mask and a deathwish. But that was an old song, and one which did not bear repeating now when they both knew the words so very well.
Possibly it was not a good idea, given that he still did not entirely trust the unexpected development that had been his heart. Yet it felt wrong to leave Gabriel adrift, brushing almost compulsively back through his air with that pensive look in his eyes.]
I have some idea, yes. [Distance, hurt, a confession made too late. As if in quiet mourning for the Gabriel Reyes who'd taken a risk too far he gently took the man's hand from his hair and sandwiched it between both of his own.] But... you healed. You loved and were loved again.
[Zenyatta's voice is just on the edge of a question. He would like to sound like an authority, like he is not a total newcomer to his own feelings, but it does not stick.]
[It was one of those things, willing as he was to destroy himself for what he felt had to be done,to keep hold of a concept that he was more than that. Or that anyone believed it no matter what he knew; how easy it would be to forget that the moment he was back home. Like none of this ever happened and whatever hope had sparked back would be
gone.
Maybe it would sticker easier one day, but that feeling. The determination he had to be nothing more than what choices he'd made when his hand was forced- Here was different.]
Yeah. [Something had healed there and had remained, all the same it had him analyzing what he'd done wrong. Then he ended up having his focus shifted and honed for war; an experiment and a global war—] Even when there was no room for love, came in some other form.
[Zenyatta waited- and then his hands slid away from Gabriel's as if they were little more than shadows on its surface, until they gathered in his lap. Where did he disappear to when they spoke openly like this? Some distant past otherwise impenetrable to his insights, faces and voices he could not hope to recognise.
It was, he knew, wrong to feel hurt by that distance when so much had been shared with him already, yet for a moment his own silence opened like a great, dark gulf between them. Shadows licked uncertainly along his kneeling form.
And dissipated. He sighed.]
There is so much more to life than "romantic" love. [Said wistfully, but he meant it.]
[Fingers curled and twitched, some small squeeze to metal hands offered before they slipped away from his. Let them go with no resistance other than some little motion that he hadn't ignored them being taken.
Gabriel inhaled slowly, and exhaled the same as smoke still curled from between his lips in some silent sort of sight-]
There are so many different forms of love. [And yes, so much more to life-] I dedicated my life to my job, to what I was doing. Put my everything into it, because it was something that needed to be done- before and after the Crisis.
I loved my friends fiercely, gave my all to those who followed me. They were all family by bond, even if they didn't see it that way. [Blackwatch was not Overwatch, much as he tried to do for his people. For the world.] I've lost a lot, and even then I still do what I feel has to be done.
You are my friend, Zenyatta; like I said, I love them, even if it's another form of love.
[Zenyatta's jieba flickered like light refracted across a pool. Different forms of different loves. Yes. Had he not understood that, he wondered, or simply forgotten his own feelings?
He loved Mondatta. He loved all of his brothers and sisters, he loved Genji. Those feelings were not the same as those he had devoted to Gabriel, but they were no less intense, no less meaningful, and looking back now he could not help but feel a stab of guilt at his own short-sightedness. Non-literal this time.]
I- I know. [Somehow it sounded like a confession in itself. He paused.] I know that you care for me. I have never doubted that.
[Context, though. It made all the difference.]
... I suppose I have been idealising a certain type of love. It was-- foolish of me. But it is only in our darkest moments that we truly understand the value of the light. [He glanced sideways at the man beside him, and those nine faint lights flickered only once more before they held strong.] Thank you for being my friend.
I am sorry it's not in the way you wanted, Zen. It can be easy to get lost when it comes to thoughts of love. [And can hurt when you put yourself out to after worrying. Afraid of not being enough because of so many reasons that could be thought of.
His gaze had finally lifted back to the omnic, some small vine curling from the floor where Gabriel had rested a hand. It curling between fingers with small closed flower buds along it-]
You're not the first, or the last, who will likely do such a thing. It's part of being alive. [He did consider omnics alive, as beings, despite what happened during the Crisis. They may not be human, but they were there and could feel, right?] I'm.. very fucking glad you gave me a chance. You had no reason to, and I didn't expect a damn thing.
Ah- [Zenyatta flustered briefly, jieba fluttering-] no, you must not apologise for your feelings. [of lack of them, some treacherous part of him added, and if he ever doubted he had a heart it made its presence known with a lurch] I would never ask that of you.
[And Gabriel was right, of course. A thousand and one faults had arisen in that moment to remind him of his faults, his insecurities- is it because I am an omnic, he'd nearly asked, but it had seemed so shamefully unfair that he'd swallowed it back.]
... "part of being alive"... [He sounded soft and wan, a dreamy twilight of a voice, before, faintly, he laughed.] I... suppose it is.
[Like second chances. Like hope. Like friendship.
And before he could quite stop himself Zenyatta found himself sinking sideways, little by little, until his head met the warm shelf of Gabriel's shoulder.]
[A small shrug of shoulders-] All the same, you know.
[That he couldn't offer more than what was already being given, that much more that was wanted but- It was all he could give then and there. Still finding himself and adjusting.
Would have to be enough.]
Would say you're every bit alive as I am, but my state of living is questionable at best. [Both a bit of a joke at himself and implying that he at least felt the omnic was more than that. Even after fighting omnics in the crisis he still felt it.
Voice soft all the while and going still for a moment before he relaxed there at the weight on his shoulder.]
Yeah, long as you want. [Gabriel had always been a little more physical when it came to even platonic affection.
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The little shape of the kitten disappeared into the towel beneath a series of vigorous rubs. For a moment Zenyatta sensed nothing but residual heat.]
Gabriel- [a hand reaching for his shoulder, hovering, and then- then it faltered. His voice softened: what he sounded was wondering, as if he were looking upon the night sky.] ... it is breathing. Can you feel it?
[Only then did he finally make contact. Some tense part of his processor leapt and twisted his core- but his attention was elsewhere.]
How wonderful...! [He exhaled softly- needlessly- then turned his attention back to the queen squirming before them.] Well done, my beautiful girl. You are doing so well.
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Gabriel moved the towel just so the kitten could be seen. Breathing. Wiggling, perhaps having a little more energy than the mother with all she had to do.]
Look at that- [Even his voice was a little ore energetic, no matter how soft.] Looks like this one will be just fine.
[More to go, but it was a good start.
And Gabriel would repeat with the next - and Zenyatta was allowed as well when he felt he could take up a newborn kitten to help welcome it into this world and breathe. Of course Gabriel thought it was over once four were reached but- she wasn't done. Four were the norm, considering the size of the four he and Zenyatta had helped with but-
The next two were smaller, and Gabriel was careful when he got one up and starting to clean, trying to get it to breathe and mewl. The others settled with an exhausted mother, but at least she could hopefully rest then, dealing with two smaller kittens-]
No wonder she's so lean. [Not abnormal to have more than four, but it was... obviously tough on the mother, even if she'd been in better condition when he'd found her.]
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Excellent! [His voice filled out in a rich, polyphonic smile. All the better for the mother, whose energy seemed entirely dependent now on the golden orb warming her flank.
One became two, two three, three four- but there was life still within her, and when the final pair emerged even Zenyatta had to marvel at what had to have been a monumental effort.]
By the Iris! How on earth did you walk, young lady? [One golden hand stroked its way through the mats of her ears; his two real hands were occupied by one very tiny kitten, its nose twitching through a gap in the towel. He glanced at Gabriel.] Do you suppose there is room for them to feed? They will have to fight for a place.
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It was also a marvel all of it's own,that she survived and made damn sure the kittens did as well while unable to get enough for herself and them.
It couldn't hurt to get her some food and water while the other's ate—]
I have an idea. Do you mind..? [He was holding the other small kitten up i his own hands to be taken. Once taken Gabriel was quick to move once more, into the kitchen.
There was a bit of noise as he hunted down a few things, but he returned with two different small plates and a bowl of clean water; two of those were set well within reach of the mother cat while he carefully set down a saucer wit milk and a.. sponge. A sponge that had already soaked in a good bit of milk.]
This might be able to do for now, and maybe after the others are done.. [The two smaller ones could still feed from their mother if still hungry. He'd... have to look into better solutions to this later, but right now it was what he could do.]
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Which was to say that he had not been expecting to see a sponge settled onto the floor along with the water.]
Ah! I see! They can suck on it, correct? [He set the pair down with the utmost care- then, after a moment of thought, he gently tugged the orb of harmony away from their mother and to the sponge for a few moments.] Some warmth could not go amiss.
[A pause.] They will be alright? [Strange, to think that he was the one seeking reassurance now.]
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Even tested it the best he could to try and assure it would be difficult for them.
Let out a breath once they did start to go after the milk -even if getting paws into it at the same time- and were suckling at the soft material.] Yeah, and if this is going to be a continued issue I'll have to try and find a more long term fix.
[Finally, finally, sitting on the floor again rather than looking as if he was about to just run off again.]
Going to have to watch them for a little while, but they should be. So long as these two eventually get something from her and she eats- Yeah.
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But it was a good plan. He sat silently for a moment or two, watching the tiny, squirming little things latch on to the sponge- trying to ignore the impulse to take Gabriel's hand, damned by his ignorance as to its motivation- feeling what might even have been called maternal.]
They will have their chance. If not, I will do what I can to keep them well-nourished- in time, I am sure they will be as strong as their siblings. [His optic sensors slid sideways, catching on the strong, stern planes of the man's face, the way the ambiguity of their shadows softened them. His eyes.
Zenyatta's hand froze inches from his cheek- then withdrew, and folded itself awkwardly in his lap instead.] ... you should rest. I can monitor them.
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Maybe he did finally release a bit of tension that was keeping him held together, smoke curling as a hand moved over his face; had cleaned up in the kitchen before handling anything and just- shoulders sagged. Really, he had no idea she was this far along, and that was likely due to how malnourished she was with trying to support those kittens within her.
Now they could all get a break-]
... Thank you, for coming over so quickly. [His tone was apologetic, pinching the bridge of his nose.] Really, I appreciate it. Probably the last place you want to be right now.
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Gabriel's hand slid down his face, as if wiping away the stern focus it had clung to so efficiently for all this time, spring smoky leaks that dissipated almost beneath his notice. Not relaxed, exactly, but relieved.
The feeling could not be appreciated for long before Gabriel found another way to bring him up short, though not quite so short as he might have expected.]
Ah- [Before he could fully regulate himself his vents released a small puff of hot air, a rush of embarrassment that had their mother-cat, no matter how tired, pricking up her ears.
He shifted on the spot.]
I-- I would not say that. [His voice stumbled uncharacteristically over the words before he pulled it back.] I chose to be here for you because you are my friend, Gabriel, if nothing more. I have always wanted that.
[A pause.]
I could not bear your pity.
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Let the two runts have as much a fighting chance as possible, along with their other.
And of course he leaned over, smoothing a hand carefully over her head. Would need to come up with a name for her at least, figure out what to do about so many kittens- would keep them all if there was no other way then—
There was a sound, a laugh that wasn't a laugh and more some noise than had no other way of getting out. No bit of joy or finding anything funny. A pressure being released.] Your friendship is something I've come to treasure more than anything, Zen. I can't say I've ever had many or- well.
[Hands moved up, fingers curled into his own hair. Been growing out again, just long enough for curls.]
I'd rather give you time and space than pity. Isn't as if I've never been turned down.
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Something to treasure. He looked at Gabriel, and wanted to comb his fingers through those half-curls. He also knew how precious the thread that runs between them was, and how tenuous.]
Your men adored you. [Genji still did.] It is easy to see why.
[It is easy to see now, he clarified silently, and knew he did not need to say it. A pause.]
I cannot imagine why anyone would turn you down. [then, wryly:] Gabriel Reyes, that is. Reaper is another matter.
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Did what had to be done, what needed to be done-] Someone to have faith in them.
[Even if some of that faith, trust, had been misplaced.]
Never been great at expressing myself, even before I joined the army. At least not in obvious ways- [At least not in obvious ways for most people. Of course he hadn't been a hardass when he was younger, but he'd never been obviously soft either.] Always been more... Subtle? Something.
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Neither of them wish to forget.]
Yes. [He lifts his own optic sensors and braces himself for the impact of Gabriel's when they finally meet: a light ringed in darkness, like the halo about a full moon. Something clenched inside. Then it was gone.] Like the faith I have in you, Gabriel.
[The faith he had still in the man before him, no matter what.
He paused, then managed to hum in something like fond amusement. A dark, distant young man came to mind, hood pulled up around an oblique and vaguely challenging expression. Tall for his age, Zenyatta decided, and found that the embellishment pleased him.]
For what it is worth, now that we are closer, I rarely have any trouble understanding you. [Until that moment, he adds silently, though the faintest uptick in temperature might betray him.] I will concede that you are not an open book. But that is a part of you I would not think to change.
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Even if it had taken so much more for them both to see that, even if one had left still more broken he'd gotten the help he'd needed. There was a special kind of strength it took to pull out of it all, and having a hand didn't mean another weakness.
Blackwatch did what had to be done, needed to be done, red-tape and all be damned. It was still doing good, even if some viewed them, once it was out there, as no better than the people they went after.
What was he now?] At least someone does.
[Hell if he didn't know what lines he had crossed, what he'd let himself become because he felt he had to- but that wasn't-
Gabriel's tone was light, almost quiet. Sorting things in a spot for later mentally. Not the time.
Fingers ran back through short curls again, for lack of his beanie to curl fingers into and adjust.]
I have a tendency to withdraw emotionally and physically if I run into some problem until I can understand it. Work out how to deal with it- it got worse during and after the Crisis of course. [But it was still how he dealt with things when he was younger, and there was a small gesture with the words.] They took my doing that the wrong way, and hell I don't blame them.
Can guess how it played out.
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Possibly it was not a good idea, given that he still did not entirely trust the unexpected development that had been his heart. Yet it felt wrong to leave Gabriel adrift, brushing almost compulsively back through his air with that pensive look in his eyes.]
I have some idea, yes. [Distance, hurt, a confession made too late. As if in quiet mourning for the Gabriel Reyes who'd taken a risk too far he gently took the man's hand from his hair and sandwiched it between both of his own.] But... you healed. You loved and were loved again.
[Zenyatta's voice is just on the edge of a question. He would like to sound like an authority, like he is not a total newcomer to his own feelings, but it does not stick.]
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gone.
Maybe it would sticker easier one day, but that feeling. The determination he had to be nothing more than what choices he'd made when his hand was forced- Here was different.]
Yeah. [Something had healed there and had remained, all the same it had him analyzing what he'd done wrong. Then he ended up having his focus shifted and honed for war; an experiment and a global war—] Even when there was no room for love, came in some other form.
[Old and tired.]
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It was, he knew, wrong to feel hurt by that distance when so much had been shared with him already, yet for a moment his own silence opened like a great, dark gulf between them. Shadows licked uncertainly along his kneeling form.
And dissipated. He sighed.]
There is so much more to life than "romantic" love. [Said wistfully, but he meant it.]
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Gabriel inhaled slowly, and exhaled the same as smoke still curled from between his lips in some silent sort of sight-]
There are so many different forms of love. [And yes, so much more to life-] I dedicated my life to my job, to what I was doing. Put my everything into it, because it was something that needed to be done- before and after the Crisis.
I loved my friends fiercely, gave my all to those who followed me. They were all family by bond, even if they didn't see it that way. [Blackwatch was not Overwatch, much as he tried to do for his people. For the world.] I've lost a lot, and even then I still do what I feel has to be done.
You are my friend, Zenyatta; like I said, I love them, even if it's another form of love.
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He loved Mondatta. He loved all of his brothers and sisters, he loved Genji. Those feelings were not the same as those he had devoted to Gabriel, but they were no less intense, no less meaningful, and looking back now he could not help but feel a stab of guilt at his own short-sightedness. Non-literal this time.]
I- I know. [Somehow it sounded like a confession in itself. He paused.] I know that you care for me. I have never doubted that.
[Context, though. It made all the difference.]
... I suppose I have been idealising a certain type of love. It was-- foolish of me. But it is only in our darkest moments that we truly understand the value of the light. [He glanced sideways at the man beside him, and those nine faint lights flickered only once more before they held strong.] Thank you for being my friend.
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His gaze had finally lifted back to the omnic, some small vine curling from the floor where Gabriel had rested a hand. It curling between fingers with small closed flower buds along it-]
You're not the first, or the last, who will likely do such a thing. It's part of being alive. [He did consider omnics alive, as beings, despite what happened during the Crisis. They may not be human, but they were there and could feel, right?] I'm.. very fucking glad you gave me a chance. You had no reason to, and I didn't expect a damn thing.
Hell, you're the first close friend I made here.
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[And Gabriel was right, of course. A thousand and one faults had arisen in that moment to remind him of his faults, his insecurities- is it because I am an omnic, he'd nearly asked, but it had seemed so shamefully unfair that he'd swallowed it back.]
... "part of being alive"... [He sounded soft and wan, a dreamy twilight of a voice, before, faintly, he laughed.] I... suppose it is.
[Like second chances. Like hope. Like friendship.
And before he could quite stop himself Zenyatta found himself sinking sideways, little by little, until his head met the warm shelf of Gabriel's shoulder.]
[quietly:] May I? For-- a moment?
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[That he couldn't offer more than what was already being given, that much more that was wanted but- It was all he could give then and there. Still finding himself and adjusting.
Would have to be enough.]
Would say you're every bit alive as I am, but my state of living is questionable at best. [Both a bit of a joke at himself and implying that he at least felt the omnic was more than that. Even after fighting omnics in the crisis he still felt it.
Voice soft all the while and going still for a moment before he relaxed there at the weight on his shoulder.]
Yeah, long as you want. [Gabriel had always been a little more physical when it came to even platonic affection.
This counted if you asked him.]